Arguing Kindly

Is there any better way to kill a conversation than to be ugly? I’ve seen a lot of mean-spirited arguments, and I’ve made a lot of mean arguments. A lot of it comes from well-intended believers¹, but the scriptures tell us to do better:

• “And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone… correcting his opponents with gentleness” (2 Timothy 2:25-26)
• “Remind them…to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.” (Titus 3:1-2)
• “…in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense…yet do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience…” (1 Peter 3:15-16)

So how do we do this?

Tim Keller suggests seven rules²:

• Carson’s Rule: You don’t have to follow Matthew 18 before publishing polemics.
• Murray’s Rule: You must take full responsibility for even unwitting misrepresentation of someone’s views.
• Alexander’s Rule: Never attribute an opinion to your opponent that he himself does not own.
• Gillespie’s Rule A: Take your opponents’ views in total, not selectively.
• Gillespie’s Rule B: Represent and engage your opponents’ position in its very strongest form, not in a weak ‘straw man’ form.
• Calvin’s Rule: Seek to persuade, not antagonize, but watch your motives!
• Everybody’s Rule: Only God sees the heart—so remember the gospel and stick to criticizing the theology.

I would suggest a few other rules³:

• Talk as if your opponent is present, even if he/she isn’t. Say nothing in tone or content that you wouldn’t say if he/she were there.
• When speaking directly to your opponent, repeat his/her argument in your own words before responding. Ensure that your opponent knows that you are committed to truth, both in understanding his argument and in responding to his argument.
• Be careful when condensing your opponent’s claims. When condensing a claim, you may remove fundamental assumptions that you mistake for unimportant nuances.